hiding

detachment allows one to hide behind forced laughter and light-hearted jokes.

light-hearted, but not when jokes are cracked at my expense. one or two perhaps, but not when it's the whole time. i hate it. in fact, i detest being at the butt of jokes, simply because i find it bothersome to have to speak up in defense.

of course, not many people can tell. most find silence awkward, even deafening. they try means and ways to defeat silence, to create noise. but not me. i seek solace in silence, indulge in it, even. more often than not, i'm deemed the easy target. perhaps because i interact well with just about anyone; perhaps because they assume i won't take any offences.

alas, they can't be further from the truth. i abhor it. jokes, tricks, whatever. i detest entertaining people - to laugh when it's not funny, to laugh when i want to shout, to laugh when i just want to run. my threshold is not particularly high. so i laugh it off, ignore till i can no longer do so, tell off the perpetrator. if all else fails, there's a very high chance i'd walk out. no, i won't create a scene because i simply hate it. exit is always the best solution.

but when it comes to a sensitive topic, there's no way out. and there's only one such that brings tears to my eyes, no matter how much i try not to. no, it's not the past r/s between me and jeremy. the r/s with him taught me alot, changed me alot. and i guess i shld thank him for that.