i gave up on my family long ago. i hated my parents for the way they are, i hated the house for the way it is, i hated my siblings for my lack of privacy and space at home. i hated that my pa always wanted a say in my life despite the way he was (and perhaps still is).
so i never did stay at home. i was always out 24/7 and had frequent stayovers. even on rare days that i was home, i hardly spoke a word to anyone home, keeping to myself the whole day, either using the net or reading novels or just napping.
i was embarrassed of my family and deeply so. i resented parent-teachers meeting days when either of my parents had to go to school. those were days i absolutely abhored and would try to arrange it such that a) my parents didn't have to go, or b) we went at a time when there were much fewer people. my ma knew it all, but took it all in her stride and doted on me still.
gradually, even the tradition of celebrating birthdays at home died down. the yearly tradition of celebrating each and every of our birthdays somehow discontinued. the mini birthday celebrations at home, with everyone staying home especially for the ocassion + specially ordered birthday cake + birthday song, all vanished as well.
all these changed because of my sister. or rather, she changed me. and in turn, i tried to change the family.
it was one of my birthdays year back, when she was still studying at primary school. i came home to a present from her, her handing it to me very proudly. it was a feathery hp chain with the word LOVE on it. HAHAHAH. i was very amused. even on vdays, i often got something from her as well, even though i did not give her (or anyone home) anything.
and when i cried at home (there was only one ocassion), all my siblings came to me one after another, with tissues, with pats on my shoulders and all having the same look of helplessness while watching me cry.
it was only then, that i realised they care alot for me and that i should fulfil my role as the eldest sister at home and to care for them.
not much changed amongst us, other than my staying home resulting in frequent absence at outings & gatherings. not much, until this year.
one of my younger didi started going astray years back and frankly, i couldn't be bothered. i often thought to myself that such ppl ain't worth wasting my time on. ppl who can't be bothered to change, ppl who chose this path themselves.. i honestly gave up on him. it came to a head when he didn't come home for days on end, started smoking and hanging out with ahbengs - his friend is even involved in court cases - all at once. how decent can he/they be, i thought. i'm not being an elitist, but they are way out of my league.
my ma finally spoke to him one day, when she and my didi both happened to be home at the same time. his reply? no one at home cares about my existence. my ma repeated that to me and it struck me pretty hard. i had always been nicer to the other didi and my sis, but never to him. plus, his inferiority complex was at work after falling to the normal stream from express and eventually having to repeat his Ns. that's a number of years wasted, just like this.
i didn't want him to go to waste, and i thought, maybe i should try being nicer to him. in recent months, i did. i was conscientiously putting in alot of effort - not shouting, not scolding, talking in a subtle tone, responding to him when he attempts to talk to me about his results and future. and apparently, my efforts were appreciated. the frequency of him going out fell dramatically - he was almost home daily - and even the nights spent out were fewer and fewer. he even smsed me his results for Chinese O levels immediately after he got it, which surprised me. i was glad, but disappointed when i didn't see him working hard for his Os this year. :(
many incidents took place on my birthday this year. there were disputes amongst us, but when he said he had worked consecutive days prior to my birthday just to get me a present, i was so touched i cried.
funny thing how, after being jaded for so many years, i finally awoke from my slumber and noticed everyone around me.
and i realised - in spite of the way things are - that i love my family, too. :)
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