to think i stayed home for the past couple of days, even on christmas eve and christmas itself, albeit alone. i would never have done it in the past, i suppose, since i used to abhor staying at home.

change is inevitable, isn't it?

somehow, sometime, i learnt to appreciate time alone.



but focus, that's what i can't seem to find. i can't focus, on anything at all. i can't find the focus in my life. whatever i engage in, i'm not putting in much effort at all. i know, friendships inclusive, since i was supposed to be out everyday for the past days.

withdrawal symptoms, are they?

this feeling, of letting down people who matter, is overwhelmingly strong. it not only engulfs, but gnaws slowly away at the insides. horrible feeling when it acts up; other times, though, i just try to blank it out.

shit i'm getting quite good at excluding part of myself.

being happy doesn't take much. anger, on the other hand, expends so much energy that it tires me out almost entirely. yet, why do people always tend to show only their anger explicitly, while hiding happiness deep within?

incoherence, yes.

i need my focus. i need to focus.

_

on a side note, yesterday was a meet up with both nancy and michelle. :)

after a grand 2 years of graduation from jj, i've finally seen michelle. pretty much unchanged, other than dressing up much more. sheesh, to think i won't even dress up to town.

we made small talk for 3 hours, and i'm glad conversation flowed. hahah.

i didn't use to hang out with them in class, not until the break up. i never liked nancy and pamela, ever since i surmised that they were of a different wavelength. especially nancy (HAHA). michelle was someone i would talk to in og, but she was guarded by tilin, another one who seemed like she was from a different planet as me, sad to say.

so, i never did get around to talk to them. but i was wrong, at least about nancy and pamela.

they were very sincere beings, who genuinely cared and didn't expect anything in return. perhaps pamela is REALLY of a different wavelength, but most of the time we could tune in to each other's. hahahah. nancy is not a hypocrite like she seems. she just likes to channel all of her emotions - negative, especially - behind a seemingly strong and cheerful facade.

the wrong reason to become friends, but i learnt so much more about them. and of course, others. hurhur.